It’s 3 am. I am sitting behind my desk, with the candles on, feeling the stillness that is rippling out in this moment. Feeling the space between the molecules in the air all around me. If I close my eyes, I can imagine myself dissolving in that space in between…dissipating into the nothing and everything that that is… formless, pure creation.
I am in a space where words don’t come easy, rather they meander across the pages of my mind, floating into the nooks and crannies of every thought, exploring, resting for a moment before drifting on.
I know it’s because right now I feel ‘identity-less’. Without form. Without a shape or structure that was hitherto known to me as ‘me’.
I also know that I had a knowing that I went through a ‘vibrational upgrade’ (what a strange word that is indeed) this past summer. And that the solar eclipse that followed tilted my world. Into more capacities, more possibilities. Just more. Most of that ‘more’ doesn’t even have a name or a face yet.
The ripples of that shift have been profound. Life as I know it is dissolving in very tangible ways. I don’t know the next ‘where, when, how’ of my life. I have ‘tuned in’ many times over. And I get… nothing. For someone whose business, life, world is based on ‘tuning in’, this nothing is extraordinary… The shape and form of this next unfolding in my life has not yet shown itself- even in consciousness. There is nothing but stillness. Not the kind of stillness that is fecund and full of life. But the kind that requires that you sit. With ‘no mind’. Resting. Being in that space in between. Requiring nothing. Needing nothing. Floating without form until the form reveals itself.
In this space, I came across some words that allowed me to know that even this space is a shared one:
“Sssshh…she is traveling between worlds right now. You can see her holding the tension of not knowing- she is simply breathing into her unanswered questions. Sometimes she drinks coffee with quaking hands, not knowing where her relationships or her bank account is going. But this time, she is not holding onto the tension of not knowing, and is not willing to hit the panic button. She is unlearning thousands of years of conditioning. She is not being split between the opposing forces of fight and flight. She is neither naïve or ignorant. She is a frontier woman, paving new roads and making new choices. She is willing to make a new transcendent possibility emerge. You may see her now- standing at the thresholds, or at crossroads- breathing into her body- intently listening for inner signals. She’s learning new navigation skills as she arrives at a most magical moment of her life.”
- Sukhinder Sircar
Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you know that you are held, that you are loved. That Life has your back. It just has a funny way of inviting us into our ‘next’ sometimes, smiles.
With tender love,
It was Monday morning the 2nd of October (well, to be fair, afternoon as I don’t do mornings). I woke up and felt … strange. Like there was a ‘not rightness’ in the air. And I was cranky, a level of cranky that is very unlike me. I am currently living in a time zone that is twelve hours ahead of the United States and that day of all days we didn’t have internet or tv. When it returned at around 8 pm at night, I logged in and almost immediately found out about the shooting in Las Vegas. Ahhh… clarity arose… I had been tapping into the ripple that was going out into the world. A ripple that did not speak of love or harmony or ‘rightness’ on any level.
By nighttime, I could barely sit still. The level of discomfort intensifying throughout my body. I got up, put the music on and started to move. I felt like the Goddess Kali, rage rising like lava. Hot. Devouring. Burn it all down! All the illusions, the lies, the untruths, the hypocrisy, the greed. Until only The Truth remains: Thy shall not do harm upon another living sentient Being, which includes this planet we call Earth.
And I felt so small. Disappearing into the powerlessness, the smallness of this human self that does not know what to do to make this pain stop. Please. God. What can we do to make this stop. Please…God? … Supplication.
And frustration. And numbness. And the inability to hold it All. And on and on it goes. I dance for a long time that night, until I feel purified by the sweat that drenches me. Until all those raging emotions have been offered to the dance as a prayer of redemption, leaving stillness in its wake. And peace.
As the week goes by I notice the ripple effects of that day. My family is feeling it, and my wider circle of friends, clients and acquaintances. I hear so many stories of uncomfortable incidences and experiences showing up for people in a way that they haven’t for years. I feel a blanket of heaviness trying to pull me into a spin cycle that would not create grace in my life. It’s as if the planet is tilting on its axes, wobbling for a moment as it finds its right trajectory again. And of course from the Las Vegas shooting we go straight into the thousands of acres of land currently being consumed by fire in California. It’s a lot to take in.
This is what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt: If I do not consciously rise to the occasion, if I do not lift my vibration, if I do not expand into the highest potential of the all that is occurring on planet earth right now, it will make me smaller. It will feel as if this world is spinning out of control, as if it’s not safe to be here. I will find myself in a perpetual state of emotional vulnerability and even crisis and I will be unable to contribute the fullness of what I have to offer the world. So, taking a deep breath, I rise. Again and again, and again, I expand and step into grace and celebrate what is right in the world. I hope to meet you in that space.