I recently completed a 9-week journey called God Within with a group of gorgeous co-creators where we delved deep into the nature of reality, into our role as co-creators of our lives and the world that we live in today. The energy of that journey still saturates the space around and within me, asking to Dance. The work sourced wants to be spoken into Being, to go out into the world and play.
The sentiency of God Within touches upon a pulse. A heartbeat that lies beneath the surface of reality, at the very core of Creation. When we attune to it, when we stop and listen, that pulse reaches out and slips into the spaces between our cells, caressing us into remembering…Who We Are. Where We Came From. The alchemical fires of Creation, the Nothing, the Void. That space from which everything is born and into which everything dissolves. That space where everything that has ever been and everything that will be exists in perfect harmony, beyond understandings of time and space, rationale and reason.
I have yearned for that heartbeat, for that Cosmic pulse that allows me to dissolve into eternity, a space without boundaries, limitations, into endless infinite possibility, perpetually shape shifting into the ever present Now. I have felt it in fleeting moments of orgasm as the heartbeat of my lovemaking merged with the cosmic pulse of creation. Ecstasy. I have felt it on the dance floor as I surrendered into the beat of the music. And I have felt it every time a drummer initiates a soul journey. A beat that calls me home insistently, incessantly, a fire burning just beneath my skin. I could feel it during our group sessions, that pulse that held us steady, that acted as a beacon on our journey. We touched upon it, again and again, our Cosmic fingertips dipping into the beat, the rhythm coursing through cosmic veins, blood and body allowing the expansions and contractions of our humanness to take on entirely different shapes. Perpetually whispering to us: how much can you allow yourself to dissolve, Be, in Me. How much of you can you let go of to be reborn into Me so you can remember You. How far can you go to come home to yourself? Can you allow yourself to remember that you Are the primordial heartbeat? That dissolving into Me is your natural state of Being.
The pulse beneath it All.
My life is amazing.
There is love, love, love and more love- in all its shapes and forms. Respect, appreciation, devotion. Laughter. Contentment. Love.
And as I sit here, in joy, I can feel that overwhelming exhaustion that sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room at having to be ‘happy’ all the time, at the façade that we feel that we need to put on in order to feel and be deemed ‘successful’ or even interact with the world. I know it’s not mine, rather a collective field that I am touching upon.
The first thought that comes to mind is: Fuck that.
Happyness is not my end-game. Don’t get me wrong, the bubbly excitement of being happy is beautiful. Like a first bite of gorgeous dark chocolate (preferably with sea salt AND chilies) and a sip of honey mead (newly discovered) and I regularly feel like a puppy on ecstasy running around with happiness vibes pouring through my veins, sparkling magic dust in ever expanding circles.
But it is a high that envelopes me, carresses me, kisses and loves me and then ebbs away, making space for the next experience of Life and living.
The gorgeousness of being human and ALIVE.
I was dancing yesterday. A Sunday morning groove. In the midst of the booty shaking, swirling, whirling body jamming, I found myself very close to the floor, with waves of grief spilling tears down my cheeks. Exquisite. Ecstasy.
I want it ALL and for me, ALL is not just the happy vibes, but the grief vibes and the I’ll yell at the top of my lungs if need be vibes, and the I’m human damnit vibes and the transcendent cosmic vibes. I want it All. I AM it all.
And underneath it all, a field of vast expansiveness. Of silence. Of stillness. Of the deepest joy and contentment. The Knowing of myself. Of being human. And Cosmic. And everything in between. Living in that Stillpoint that encompases the All is the art that I aspire to. Can we please have it ALL?