2018 brought me to my knees.
I know many have fully stepped into 2019 and it may seem odd for me to be writing about 2018 but when I feel into - and what I am embodying- is that this is liminal space. The space 'in between'. (The dictionary speaks of liminal as: 'occupying a position at, or on both sides of a boundary or threshold.')
I can still feel 2018. Its imprint. Its song. Echoing through parts of me.
Departing, letting go, releasing. Yes. But slowly. Gradually. Like a lover who is lingering, reluctant to say good-bye.
2018 brought me to my knees.
There are so many spaces and places to look at this from.
This is what I know:
I asked for an 'upleveling' (what a strange word that is indeed) and everything (and I mean everything) that was not in vibrational resonance with that next step of my becoming showed itself in its fullness.
An invitation to let go, release, surrender old ways of being and allow something entirely new. Something unknown and unimagined.
Here's the thing about things that bring one to one's knees:
They are the patterns, the ways of being that have been so deeply ingrained, so very much part of who we are, that we are blindsided.
Until the moment that we are ready.
For a transformation that will alter the fabric of our foundation, our existence, our sense of self.
It is a sacred moment. A powerful moment.
A moment where the universe meets you in your yearning for the moreness of you.
To unlock. To unleash. To ignite.
And it brings one to one's knees.
And here I am.
My 8 week 'Being and Becoming' series last year (nov. & dec.) has set that which desires to be created into motion for this year. And beyond.
I can feel that that piece is complete. It is done. And it will unfold as I choose it step by step.
But for right now, I sit in liminal space.
Slowly moving my body into new shapes, into the things to come.
I can feel my breath continuing to digest the enormity of 2018, whilst breathing in the newness of 2019.
And 2019, aaaahhh, how sweet she feels.
It's like a slow tantalizing love affair. Our eyes have met across the room, I feel her magnetic pull, the promises of new delights, the invitation to come close and explore a new landscape.
My feet, my body turn in her direction, but I know. I know that I need just a little more time before I dance again.
Happy new year beautiful!
May this year wrap you in Grace and be the start of something utterly divine and delicious.
I have been feeling an encompassing sense of 'completeness' in my life. The body of work that has been downloading and uploading (heaven and earth) into me, and that I have been sourcing for 10 years, that guided me step by step in all areas of my life was complete. It would pour into me, day and night. An ever present call that I would respond to, opening to the next and the next and the next... Until one day I woke up... and there was nothing. It was complete. I experienced not stillness but a sense of 'emptiness'. As if my purpose was complete. That which I had agreed to do somewhere somewhen beyond this human lifetime had come to a close.
There was nothing else to do but stand in that space of unknowingness, that empty space without dreams and desires and simply breath. And wait. And as the days became weeks a still voice whispered: reach out, connect, share this moment in time. So I did. I wrote to Soleira Green whom I consider to be my cosmic fairy god mother, knowing, feeling, sensing that by speaking and writing the words, and being met in this space, something would be possible that had not been thus far. That I might find my way into something for which I as yet had no words, sensing just the slightest frisson of a nameless possibility.
Saturday, the 10th of November. I felt deeply called to a sound bath- which in and of itself was unusual as I am not often drawn to such things. But this time I simply knew that I had to be there. The event was held in a beautiful old church in downtown L.A. and the space, lit by candles and purple light was gorgeous. The moment the event began and sound wrapped itself around me, I was 'gone'. My human self slept whilst my consciousness traveled on a sound beam. I went 'home'. A place where I was deeply nourished, a place where I could dream a new dream for my life.
90 minutes later as the sound bath ended, I returned to my body, knowing that I had been very intentional in my dreaming, very precise with my requests. I had brought a new template through, a new creation, a new chapter for my life.
The next day, the cosmic 'goo' available, the creational possibilities, the frequencies of exquisite, were extraordinary, unlike anything that I had access to or experienced before. I know many felt this on 11-11 and I am so grateful that that I am part of a collective consciousness that sources at this level, that knows itself as a creational force on this level.
The frequencies and particular configuration of possibilities that we opened to on 11-11 are still subtle, still weaving themselves into the collective consciousness step by step but it is there for those who desire it. 11-11 invited us all to take a next step in consciousness which in turn will allow events to unfold that will bring us that much closer to living in a world of beauty- for all.
The day of the dead celebrations.
My first time.
Doorways and portals and dimensions opening to my understanding of life and death and self and other.
Of not the cycle of life and death but the communion between the two.
Life and death create each other, support each other, define each other. A constant communion of a continuum.
As I was walking in the Hollywood Forever cemetery where the celebrations were being held, gazing upon the alters and offerings in awe, I asked the energy, space, consciousness of the day of the dead to contribute to me that which it desired. I longed to dance with it.
I felt the energy moving, slowly at first and then consuming and embracing the space that I am. I felt the consciousness of it move deep into my heart and I opened. Reverence. Awe. The continuum. The constant communion between life and death.
The next day, I felt so incredibly vibrant and alive. The day of the dead had gifted me the vibrancy and aliveness of life. We human beings live at the cusp of a paradox. We are embodiments and manifestations of a dream of dizzying proportions.
I have also found that every person who has been abused or violated in some way holds 'death' energy at the back of their hearts. If that is not opened to and received it will manifest in one's life at some point. Be it in health, relationship or a continuous sense of limitation and contraction that stops the grace filled flow that life can be. Death holds an invitation to us to LIVE, heart wide open.
May we all receive it on this day where life and death are so tangibly communing, saturating the air around us with an invitation to celebrate it All.
The weather changed. The energy changed, the rhythm changed.
From a perpetual slow dance with the molecules in the air, I've slipped into a rumba at the very least, with sensual moves and hip undulations. Life is inviting me to partner with it in a different way. There have been flights and workshops and adventures and experiences. And in the midst of it all, I find myself naturally returning to that stillness deep within in order to allow the rhythm of October to flow through me as graciously and effortlessly as possible.
There is a potency emanating from that still point that feels like an uncoiling of power. Not just personal power but collective power as well. A ripple growing into a wave that is unstoppable. I can feel it in my body, in my life, in the collective.
In this journey of transformation or as I like to call it 'the journey of being and becoming', one of the many things that I have learnt is that there is a very fluid dance between 'I' and 'we'. Rumi's words 'you are the universe in ecstatic motion' touches upon a profound truth on many levels. My life, your life, is not separate from what is occurring 'out there' as we move through the dream we call reality as one organism, the human race.
In the midst of all of this movement, the chaos inherent in these times, may you find your still point so that you can feel the power moving through you-us-we.
On a magical night under the full moon, I had the privilege of gazing upon this dragon made solely out of plants and flowers. It delights me that I can share this image with you. May we all soar on dragon wings.
I've been procrastinating on writing this monthly musing. Simply because the energies and experiences that September has invited into do not yet have one clear 'tone', which would translate into a specific shape and form. Clarity. There is as yet no 'this is the way', showing me the steps to take, the path to walk.
When September started, the opening into a different vibration, a different space was so tangible. A feeling of being able to spread my wings and move in a way that felt so... I'm searching for the word... almost orgasmic. Like the very air touching my skin was saying 'the descent into darkness and stillness and formlessness within this cycle has ended and this space (and energy and consciousness) is completely new, with new information in the spaces between to caress you, to invite you, to carry you into new heights.
And so it was. And yes, so it is. AND the reverberations of formlessness still ripple out into my world, ensuring that stillness remains in some ares. A timeless waiting for the form to fully reveal itself. A remnant of a sense of standing on the precipice, breathing not quite in the dark but not yet in the light either.
An AND AND, not an either or, which I have found to be one of the principles of so much of our lives. We are incredible majestic beings of infinite splendor AND we are fragile vulnerable human beings living our sometimes very messy moments in the best ways we know how.
One of the ways that the newness of September has shown itself in my life thus far is that time is again unfolding within a rhythm of rapid beats. Gone are the days of being cocooned within my home, my bed, listening to the silence. The invitation of the energies is to go out and play. To laugh and enjoy and live and love and allow myself to be filled up by the utter delectableness of life. There have been late summer swims in still warm water, hikes up hills under the moonlight, concerts and movies and gardens to visit. Flights to book, people to meet, dreams to turn into reality. Time is no longer a slow dance but rather inviting some rock and roll moves!
One of the most exquisite immersions that I have had recently was at Paul Simon's farewell concert, which happened to be 3 minutes away from my house, in a beautiful outdoor amphitheater. We sat outside on the hills, underneath the moon and stars and listened to, or rather, partook in what is thus far my most sublime concert experience.
He was MASTERFUL. In both musical spirt and soul. There was presence and potency and an understanding of how to transport us all into a different space of possibility.
I feel transformed by the experience as I remember dancing with the sweat pouring down my sweet body, crying with tears feeling like holy water.
I am uplifted. Transformed. In the sheer awe and bliss and love of life. So full of gratitude for this man. Great King, Live Forever.
May the newness of September wrap itself around you and bring you ease and laughter and joy and love and everything good in life.
There is so much happening in my world. And yet, if you looked at my life I think it would be easy to miss it, to just see the ‘normal’ every day routine-ness of things (which is pretty magical in its own right). But there is something more. Something as yet unseen but viscerally felt. The energy has been building. Just a week or so ago, on Saturday evening I had a migraine, on Sunday evening a spider bit me and my leg got hot and swollen, on Monday evening my back collapsed- at which point I lay there, completely immobile and laughed so very much. (Don’t worry, because of the energy work that I do I can move through these things relatively quickly- nothing lasts more than 24 hours at most). I knew that the expansions and integrations of the last 6 months were not just landing and being embodied but that the energy of that which wants to happen was moving through my body out into the world to connect, magnetize, and actualize the forces that will facilitate this next step in my life. And for someone who jealously guards the delicious spaciousness of her present status quo, and is so very comfortable in her ‘behind the scene-ness’, there is a fair share of ‘I don’t wanna, leave me alone, I’m doing perfectly fine just where I am’. And I am. There is no sense of lack in my world, in any sense of the word. However, as my ode to life is ‘Universe, dance me’, how can I not surrender. Let go. Allow. Receive. Get out of the way and simultaneously show up…
So I looked at myself. Deeply. Compassionately. Not from a space of ‘what is wrong’ but from a space of ‘how can I hold this differently’? How can I reweave the patterns so that there can be flow from a space of ever expanding rightness. As the universe is ever expanding and as I am a microcosm of that, how can I align with, embody, allow that principle, that truth to hold me, to partner with me, to create with me. And the next step, how can I allow that which is being created - as yet unseen but so very felt- to unleash itself, to grow itself into its maturity, to hold itself so that it is its own creation.
So that it is its own creation.
Birthed through me, yes, a dream touched upon by my finger tips as I slept. But nothing more.
It doesn’t have to be anything more than that… That is how easy and magical I know that life and living can be. As we walk upon and with the earth allowing ourselves to be the gift that we are. That is how easy Creation can be. A dream dreamt for a moment and exhaled out into the world. A moment is all it takes...
One moment is all that it takes.
Nothing has been the same since I took that moment to reweave and align. I have stepped into stillness once again. Into spaciousness. Knowing that it is done. I don’t know what is going to happen. Or even if something is going to happen. But there is nothing more to do. I am simply present. I show up. I allow. I receive.
I share with you some words that I read on social media that touched me deeply, shared by Blossom Benedict:
'as you are.' says the universe.
'after . . .' you answer.
'as you are.' says the universe.
'before . . .' you answer.
'as you are.' says the universe.
'when . . .' you answer.
'as you are.' says the universe.
'how . . .' you answer.
'as you are.' says the universe.
'why . . .' you answer.
you are happening right now.
right at this moment
the thing that both keeps me alive
brings me to my knees.
you don't even know how breathtaking you
as you are.' says the universe through tears.
-- as you are | you are the prayer
I can’t believe it’s been several months since I've written. I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t. I wanted to, I would try to sit down and write, and simply couldn’t. I know that it would be easy to say ‘procrastination’ and make myself wrong about it but when I drop in and explore that with my knowing, there is no trueness to it. Rather, there has been an alignment to an energy, a calling, an invitation to be with a profoundly deep force/movement/power that has been moving through many of us. We have been sitting in the void, being made anew. Growing, becoming, rooting deep, for what is to come.
And yes, it is April and a quarter of this year is already complete, but this year it really does feel that the year started at the beginning of April. I feel like I am emerging with the spring blossoms, experiencing a new willingness and readiness to be seen, to show up, to be counted amongst those who are rising.
Where and when have you made yourself wrong my love? When in fact, you were deeply and utterly aligned to something beautiful and powerful that was moving through you that just needed its time.
We are so conditioned to ‘make it happen’, ‘do it now’ that it is not instinctual to honor the seasons that are moving through us.
To listen deep and fully trust that we will move into ‘doing’ at exactly the right time for us.
Effortless aligned action flows from a fullness of Being, from the bud that is ready to blossom.
Can you honor your own unique dance with the flow of time?
These last months have been challenging. I have been stretched, pummeled, taken apart and put back together what feels like countless times. Every time I reached a moment of stasis, the shape of me morphed once again.
Who and what am I? That’s such a deep question to be with for me.
Who and what am I? As I constantly move from one fluid state to another.
And there have been so many gifts that have been emerging. The power that is moving through my body amazes and delights me. When I step onto the dance floor and allow myself to move, I realize that I have come to a space of embodiment of the All that I Am in a way that I have desired yet not fully understood thus far.
There is a sense of ‘I am here. I have arrived.’
Last week-end, I lay in bed and whispered: 'What do you know sweet body, what do you know? Show me.' Little did I know that I would be opening the door to a 48 hour body tutorial with wave after wave of body talk emerging from my body. I lay there whispering: ‘I understand, thank-you for showing me, oh wow, how could I not have known that, thank-you', and on and on and on… Body magic.
And if I go even deeper, I perceive the deep inner calibration that has been occurring between the Infinite Being that I Am and my human being self. What this translates into is a profound release from old woundings and patterns. Unworthiness, not feeling good enough to take the space that my body of work is asking of me seem to be shapes that no longer fit. Without knowing it, I outgrew those patterns whilst sitting in that deep dark space of stillness and silence.
And so, here I am. Available. Present. Ready for whatever it is that comes next.
And you my love?
Are you claiming the gifts that have been growing within you?
Are you ready to allow them to flow through you into the world?
Are you listening deep and honoring the right timing of all things within yourself?
No rush. No push. Simply a surrendered allowance of that which wants to be. Through you.
You my love are a gift to the world.
I share with you a video that touched me deeply and speaks to the energy of the words above. There is such beauty in our movements, even when they are constrained within a force that feels bigger than us.
I went to Florida on Christmas. To walk along the beaches and allow mysef to exhale, to empty fully of all that was no longer needed, all that was complete before I stepped into the new year. Those hours and days of communing with the ocean were orgasmic. It felt like she was pouring through me, as if I were a part of her waves, of the ebb and swell of her tides. I was being emptied and filled simultaneously. And I expanded into the vastness of her, allowing myself to step into a different space of Being.
The message that came through clearly and insistently for this new year was one of Surrender. I was being asked to let go even deeper into the Mystery of who I am. Into a deeper merging with the lifeforce of Creation, allowing my rhythm to converge with the pulse of that which wants to happen.
Upon returning, I got sick. Really really sick. For days and then weeks. Lying in bed, cuddled up in blankets, unable to ‘do’ anything other than Surrender, I realised that my body was letting go. Of old bacteria and viruses and thoughtforms and patterns and simply everything that was not in alignment with the shape and form that is needed for this year. Nothing was wrong, rather everything was very very right. And through that very physical surrender, I found my heart opening even more. Lying in stillness, day after day, I felt stripped down, naked. Experiencing life through the inside, seeing us all as constellations of stars in the sky, blinding in their brilliance. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it, by the utter perfection of it all.
In this stillness and silence of being, the new year slowly took shape. The form and structure revealing itself, asking me to book tickets, sign up for events, presence myself in specific places at specific times. I know that this new year is inviting me to presence myself in the world on a much larger scale. The exquisite beauty of the invitation is that that larger presencing does not ask for or require more ‘doing’ or ‘hustle’ or ‘pushing’. It simply requires deeper presence, deeper stillness, more allowance and receptivity. More Surrender. And yes, the moments of ‘doing’ will increase as the year progresses, but they are the birthing of a creation that is formed in stillness and presence and require nothing from me but the deepest of inner alignments. A surrendering of my body, heart and soul to a rhythm that is far bigger than me whilst simply saying ‘yes, I am here. Dance me.’
It is only now as I sit down to write that I realize that it has been two months since I last put the proverbial pen to paper. I have simply not had words. I have been sitting in silence. In stillness, in that space which has no form and shape. Waiting. For the next movement to shape itself. Giving it the space and time that it asked for.
In this fast paced world that we live in- and there is much beauty in that as well- there is not that much space to slow down, to do nothing, to be still. To wait. And yet sometimes that is the only thing that is required. When there is nothing wrong. Nothing to be fixed, nothing to be healed or solved, transcended or transmuted. One just needs to wait until the next shape reveals itself. And that is what I have been doing. Sitting in silence. Waiting. Lying in my bed, curled up, simply breathing, simply being.
I'm coming to the end of the waiting now, seeing glimpses of a form, as if a veil still covers it's mystery. Yet there are moments, just tiny moments, when that veil lifts and I'm taken aback by the sheer beauty revealed before the cosmic winds settle again, and the veil slips back into place, asking that my outstretched hand lower again. And wait.
I can see now that there have been three distinct phases within this space. Three different textures and tastes. Different qualities of Being. In the first stillness, all that I have been, my identities, my relationships, the forms and structures that defined 'me' dissolved. It has been painful. Sometimes heartbreakingly so. I then entered liminal space, the old no longer present, the new not part of any dreaming. And then I heard the echo of a song, a rhythm under my feet, so very far away yet its notes reaching out and calling my name. The new is arriving and there are moments that my heart is so full of joy and excitement and I have a dozen different ideas about the next what's/where's/when's of my life before it all disappears and dissipates... not yet it whispers, not quite yet. And so I wait, but the quality of the waiting has shifted to a yearning, a knowing that just after a next exhale, I just might feel my new shape. My new life. It waits for me.
My question for you beautiful: Is there somewhere where you have made yourself wrong when all that is required is for you to be still, to wait, to allow. If so, I invite you to let go... you are perfectly divine just as you are...
It’s 3 am. I am sitting behind my desk, with the candles on, feeling the stillness that is rippling out in this moment. Feeling the space between the molecules in the air all around me. If I close my eyes, I can imagine myself dissolving in that space in between…dissipating into the nothing and everything that that is… formless, pure creation.
I am in a space where words don’t come easy, rather they meander across the pages of my mind, floating into the nooks and crannies of every thought, exploring, resting for a moment before drifting on.
I know it’s because right now I feel ‘identity-less’. Without form. Without a shape or structure that was hitherto known to me as ‘me’.
I also know that I had a knowing that I went through a ‘vibrational upgrade’ (what a strange word that is indeed) this past summer. And that the solar eclipse that followed tilted my world. Into more capacities, more possibilities. Just more. Most of that ‘more’ doesn’t even have a name or a face yet.
The ripples of that shift have been profound. Life as I know it is dissolving in very tangible ways. I don’t know the next ‘where, when, how’ of my life. I have ‘tuned in’ many times over. And I get… nothing. For someone whose business, life, world is based on ‘tuning in’, this nothing is extraordinary… The shape and form of this next unfolding in my life has not yet shown itself- even in consciousness. There is nothing but stillness. Not the kind of stillness that is fecund and full of life. But the kind that requires that you sit. With ‘no mind’. Resting. Being in that space in between. Requiring nothing. Needing nothing. Floating without form until the form reveals itself.
In this space, I came across some words that allowed me to know that even this space is a shared one:
“Sssshh…she is traveling between worlds right now. You can see her holding the tension of not knowing- she is simply breathing into her unanswered questions. Sometimes she drinks coffee with quaking hands, not knowing where her relationships or her bank account is going. But this time, she is not holding onto the tension of not knowing, and is not willing to hit the panic button. She is unlearning thousands of years of conditioning. She is not being split between the opposing forces of fight and flight. She is neither naïve or ignorant. She is a frontier woman, paving new roads and making new choices. She is willing to make a new transcendent possibility emerge. You may see her now- standing at the thresholds, or at crossroads- breathing into her body- intently listening for inner signals. She’s learning new navigation skills as she arrives at a most magical moment of her life.”
- Sukhinder Sircar
Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you know that you are held, that you are loved. That Life has your back. It just has a funny way of inviting us into our ‘next’ sometimes, smiles.
With tender love,