There is a softness in the air. As I watch the flowers blossom, tender buds opening to the sky, hear the sweetness of birdsong outside of my window, the gentleness that is spring carressing my skin, I feel the resonance within. It is time.
I have walked that inner labyrinth of the soul into the very depths of the void, the darkness within. I have danced with the shadows, my feet finding their way between skulls and bones and broken landscapes of despair. I have endlessly heard the beat of the drum and sat with the elders around the fire, until that rhythm coalesced with mine and I remembered. The knowing arising from my body and being, my spirit and soul in hallowed communion.
And now, as I sit quietly within that space of power, comfortable in the alchemy of intensity, a different invitation awaits. I know it’s time. My bones have been engraved with the gifts that I am to share. The sunlight awaits.
As I step out, I hesistate. The song is sweet. And unknown. My eyes need time to adjust to the light. I exhale, my body begins to move of its own volition, my arms opening wide to give space to my heart.
I return. To the light.
February was one of those months where the invitation to surrender to Life could not be denied. To the rhythm of it, the tone, the harmony, the lyrics. Every aspect orchestrated by a Magical Mystery so much larger than the ‘self’ that I experience myself to be.
There were workshops every week-end that transformed me from the inside out, dance performances that left their imprint for days on my body memory, weaving a magic all of its own as my body calibrated to yet another expansive possibility, concerts and wordly delights of every kind. Feburary was Full.
And the Becoming that was invited into occurred in the moments between. In the pause where I rested. Where I let go, cuddling into the sofa, exclaiming with a big smile ‘that was so nice’. Unable to move much, sleeping for hours upon hours as the experience was received into the very depths of me, to alchemise first the essence of my Being, and then the pathways to cognition. My dance with life altering as I morphed, again and again and again. Lying still, on that sofa. Explaining to those who care for me and who expressed concern at my fatigue: ‘It’s as if I’m becoming a different creature. All my energy is focused inwards so that I can shapeshift into something else’. And in that shapeshifting lay the hidden treasures so longed for.
‘Resonance’ is something that has long defined my experience of life. What I could partake of, what I could receive. What I could jell with, dance with, party and celebrate Life with. If it didn’t resonate with the essence of Who I Am, it hurt to allow it within my world, thereby curtailing in many ways the expression of life that could be reveled in. As I surrendered into that space between, that pause between worlds, I received the alchemical elixer that allowed me to learn how to turn copper into unicorns. My world opened up.
In the years of my ever present becoming, the greatest magic has occurred in the pause. In that space where I allow myself to do ‘nothing’. To Be. Still. Allow. Breathe. Surrender. Dissolve. To be ever remade into Magic.
There have been so many e-mails in my in-box at the beginning of this year. Some proclaiming the virtues of new year's resolutions. Others admonishing me not to venture into the realm of goal setting.
On new year's eve, I sat by the fireside, pen and paper in hand, and allowed myself to be still, soft, surrendered to the moment. Inviting the Mystery in. 2017, how do I dance with you? The Knowing arose, soft but clear. Insistent. 'Allow yourself space. Aside from your desires, your projects, your ideas and creations, there is a deeper force at work in your life. A path that you choose last summer that asked of you, even demanded of you, that you let go of so much that you knew as 'you' is still unfolding. It lies at the root of the fabric of your reality, your understanding and experience of Self. Its flowering will allow a richness and fullness in your life that you have as yet never tasted. Never Been. Give yourself space. To allow. To be. Don't push. Be still.'
I breathe into that. Allow myself to be gentle with that. To be gentle with me.
Beginnings are tender times. At least they are for me. When the shape of a thing has yet to show itself. And simultaneously, when I expand my awareness, 2017 as a sentient alive force has unequivocally declared itself. Its magic weaving so brilliantly into a reality creation that is … easy, effortless, gracious. Beyond the struggle and strife, the turmoil and chaos of world politics, of pain and suffering so eloquently visible on the world stage, there is a song that invites into a different possibility. An orchestra of infinity, showing us the exquisiteness of communion. Life caresses each cell with love, whispering: 'You Are my love. You simply Are. Love. God. Life.'
There is stillness within as I sit to write this.
A tremulous waiting… am I ready?
I don’t feel ready.
I feel tears gather on my eyelashes as my soul … waits…
I feel as if I am still standing on the precipice… the old has been stripped from me. Leaving me naked. My soul exposed to the harshness of the Sun,
to the glaring light of Life.
Or so it has seemed. And yet, there is a knowingness that has remained even in the depths of the crucible of transformation that I can breathe into this. That this is safe. That this is in fact very known indeed. A journey that I have made over and over again…
A path that my cosmic feet have trod until the terrain is familiar like a lover’s caress, beckoning me into ecstasy.
My yearly death-rebirth that always occurs between the june-september equinoxes.
A ritual that I go through like a pilgrimage to a holy place,
the spaces inside of me.
And so I was stripped down, my ego (defined as a sense of self) shattered into shards of glass, my soul demanding its next evolution.
Lying in bed, breathing.
Literally, feeling that One Breath being my entire universe as I lay still. That’s all there was. Beyond thought, beyond word, beyond desire,
the Stillness that permeates the Spaces Between.
My body feels heavy. I can’t find the way to the dance floor that is my living room.
I’ve lost my rhythm. The beat has dissolved, it too waiting for that new form,
for that essence that informs expression.
I am Still.
Weeks turn into several months as slowly moments of movement occur.
My elbow reaches out, surprising me in its desire to be known again.
There are instances of piercing light as my old skin crumbles to dust.
Glimpses into possibility that I had not even dared to dream.
The gift of this descent a promise that takes my breath away.
And so I stand. At the precipice of something as yet so unknown that tantalises the fingertips of my soul to reach ever more- within. I am Becoming.
As so many of us are.
The ever-present Dream.
I just spent a month in Los Angeles. In Communion. With the molecules and particles in the air. With the ocean. With the trees. With the people. Everything was sentient and alive, glistening.
As my eyes opened to greet the day, the sunshine felt like it was caressing me into the joy of life and living. As I walked outside, everything around me whispered: joy, joy, joy, LIFE.
I know this experience was a co-creation. I claim that without hesitation.
I have journeyed within year after year with an intensity that has made that my all-encompassing reality. I have sourced and cried and let go and opened and allowed and surrendered and become and become and become. Me. I have found my way to the eye of the storm, again and again and again, till the pathways seem intimately familiar, a part of my breath and blood, skin and bone. The sound of the drum beckoning within is a constant. The dancer moving through me.
Fluid spirals of becoming.
And as I open, I receive. Life.
And in that receiving there is an intensity and a communion that is a neverending gifting. Each moment an invitation to infinite sources and states of Being.
My back touches a tree. We are together. For hours. It speaks to me of Life and love and the possibilities of the future.
I come home and sleep for 15 hours.
Days later the communion still continues. One tree.
And the ocean. The slightest touch of the ocean is a song that seems to have no end. The immensity of it something that I struggle with, until I don’t. It fills me. Pours through me. The water an incessant pull to a cellular remembering. A wisdom that leaves hieroglypic patternings etched on my skin. I brush the sand away. But my body remembers. I sleep.
An evening with a chi gung master. I open to her body of work. Layers upon layers of body wisdom cocoon me until I go into ‘no-mind’. Breathing. I can do this. I open. I see the wisdom of generations before me as one elder after another approaches, each giving me just one drop of the nectar of a lotus flower.
I have been initiated. I sleep. Deeply.
Mount Meher is calling. We are very intentional as we sit in those chairs. What may we receive? And be? I leave, stunned. Overcome with the immensity of love that I experienced. Did I even understand love before this moment? I bow deep in gratitude and am held as they say ‘good-bye’ and ‘till next time’. They serve.
As do I, each in her/his capacity. Of course I sleep, smiles.
It is my month of Communion.
When I return home, I notice the Space inside of me. Space that fills up with Joy so easily, so instantly. A 5 year old jumping up and down with delight.
I am Still. How does this feel? Who am I now? Fluid. Ever morphing,
communion with ecstasy.
Mount Mehar, Ojai
I recently completed a 9-week journey called God Within with a group of gorgeous co-creators where we delved deep into the nature of reality, into our role as co-creators of our lives and the world that we live in today. The energy of that journey still saturates the space around and within me, asking to Dance. The work sourced wants to be spoken into Being, to go out into the world and play.
The sentiency of God Within touches upon a pulse. A heartbeat that lies beneath the surface of reality, at the very core of Creation. When we attune to it, when we stop and listen, that pulse reaches out and slips into the spaces between our cells, caressing us into remembering…Who We Are. Where We Came From. The alchemical fires of Creation, the Nothing, the Void. That space from which everything is born and into which everything dissolves. That space where everything that has ever been and everything that will be exists in perfect harmony, beyond understandings of time and space, rationale and reason.
I have yearned for that heartbeat, for that Cosmic pulse that allows me to dissolve into eternity, a space without boundaries, limitations, into endless infinite possibility, perpetually shape shifting into the ever present Now. I have felt it in fleeting moments of orgasm as the heartbeat of my lovemaking merged with the cosmic pulse of creation. Ecstasy. I have felt it on the dance floor as I surrendered into the beat of the music. And I have felt it every time a drummer initiates a soul journey. A beat that calls me home insistently, incessantly, a fire burning just beneath my skin. I could feel it during our group sessions, that pulse that held us steady, that acted as a beacon on our journey. We touched upon it, again and again, our Cosmic fingertips dipping into the beat, the rhythm coursing through cosmic veins, blood and body allowing the expansions and contractions of our humanness to take on entirely different shapes. Perpetually whispering to us: how much can you allow yourself to dissolve, Be, in Me. How much of you can you let go of to be reborn into Me so you can remember You. How far can you go to come home to yourself? Can you allow yourself to remember that you Are the primordial heartbeat? That dissolving into Me is your natural state of Being.
The pulse beneath it All.
My life is amazing.
There is love, love, love and more love- in all its shapes and forms. Respect, appreciation, devotion. Laughter. Contentment. Love.
And as I sit here, in joy, I can feel that overwhelming exhaustion that sits there like the proverbial elephant in the room at having to be ‘happy’ all the time, at the façade that we feel that we need to put on in order to feel and be deemed ‘successful’ or even interact with the world. I know it’s not mine, rather a collective field that I am touching upon.
The first thought that comes to mind is: Fuck that.
Happyness is not my end-game. Don’t get me wrong, the bubbly excitement of being happy is beautiful. Like a first bite of gorgeous dark chocolate (preferably with sea salt AND chilies) and a sip of honey mead (newly discovered) and I regularly feel like a puppy on ecstasy running around with happiness vibes pouring through my veins, sparkling magic dust in ever expanding circles.
But it is a high that envelopes me, carresses me, kisses and loves me and then ebbs away, making space for the next experience of Life and living.
The gorgeousness of being human and ALIVE.
I was dancing yesterday. A Sunday morning groove. In the midst of the booty shaking, swirling, whirling body jamming, I found myself very close to the floor, with waves of grief spilling tears down my cheeks. Exquisite. Ecstasy.
I want it ALL and for me, ALL is not just the happy vibes, but the grief vibes and the I’ll yell at the top of my lungs if need be vibes, and the I’m human damnit vibes and the transcendent cosmic vibes. I want it All. I AM it all.
And underneath it all, a field of vast expansiveness. Of silence. Of stillness. Of the deepest joy and contentment. The Knowing of myself. Of being human. And Cosmic. And everything in between. Living in that Stillpoint that encompases the All is the art that I aspire to. Can we please have it ALL?
As I touch January, breathing in the newness of the year, allowing the molecules and particles of the shifts of time to touch my consciousness, so much rises to the surface.
As I allow myself to be Still, resting my awareness just beneath the surface of ’reality’, a landscape emerges that holds a dream and a hope.
2015 has been lived to its fullest. Its dreams and imaginings slipstreaming through time to become Memory. Each year the inner landscape grows in beauty, in invitation.
In power and potency. Each year the reaching through that veil between dream and reality becomes more a fluid language, the pathways known and familiar. The language of shapeshifting an effortless becoming. The veil but a translucent shimmering where the waking eyes can see, almost see.
What is it that I desire? What is it that beckons? The dreamer inviting the dream.
That which has always been, into the fulfilment of its creation.
As I dance my dreams, as my feet touch upon familiar shores of hope and desire, there is a knowing that stirs that it is I that create the dream, the veil, the inner landscape, the outer schism. I hold it All within the fingertips of my Creation, deeply reveling in each moment of its unfolding. It is I that create the illusion of there and now, here and when.
It is I that chooses each moment of the dream with a knowing that is the breath of the Cosmos unfolding. The exhalation of a God Force in Creation.
The dreamer dreaming the dream that has always and already been.
Published in Wild Woman Rising
My love affair with Fire was born one day to the next, or so it seems.
In a magical woods, just beyond our doorstep we created a place of fire, intending a sacred space, a space that would allow us to transform, be, become. To journey into the unknown and be unleashed.
With the trees as silent senteniels, we lit the flame and sent out our prayers. We gifted ourselves to the elements and asked in return, sitting in silence with that blazing light. For hours, what seemed eternity.
After the last spark extinguished we left, with prayers of gratitude and open eyed wonder. Back inside our home, I cocooned on the sofa, allowing the experience to find its place. My body started to tremble and vibrate. So much had been gifted and so much received that I knew not who I was- in liminal space with the new as yet unborn.
On new year’s eve we went to Incendia, a celebration of fire. As I gazed at the flame covered domes above our heads, I felt engulfed, embraced, fiercely passionately loved.
We danced as the fire held us within herself, moving our bodies in prayer and ritual, asking for 2014 to be burnt in flame as we entered into the newness of the year.
We spent a night in Supplication, Invitation, Celebration.
The beauty and mystery of that experience is still weaving its magic through my cellular memory, unfolding as it will, breath by breath.
As 2015 reaches out gently to touch and tease me with its delights, I start to come into a knowing of the fire’s gift:
an illumination of the essence of who I am, reflecting in the flame the brilliance of that which is eternal.
In gratitude to that blazing light with which we have danced so exquisitely, giving to it as it gave to us.
If you wish to receive the energy of the experience that I shared with you in the words above, I gift you a 9 minute audio. Sit back, relax, press play and receive. Enjoy.
Music composition by Travis Murphy.
_In Stillness, I breathe the energies of the Equinox. Feeling the rhythm, the pulse and the exquisite power of it as it ripples out, dancing, co-creating, sourcing, pulsing.
Again and again, I am humbled.
In awe of Life and Creation.
There are moments, spaces that invite. For me to Be. To touch infinity where I know myself as eternal. As Star Song. As Cosmic Presence. As a Power that matches, rivals and revels in the fierce life giving glory of the Sun.
A Knowing resonates throughout my Being, a drumbeat exploding into essence. To have this experience of myself as Glory. As God. As Infinite and Eternal is why I have chosen to be here. Now. In this place. In this body.
And then there are those other moments. Those moments of intense vulnerability that invite into their own shades of ecstasy.
I am weaving, starting to sing a new song out into the world, yet an essence, an essential quality, a mystery of soul, finds itself in a time of no-space. It knows not of itself, it does not yet tremble in longing as it touches upon its own vibration, passionately luxuriating in its rhythm, exulting in the frequencies that explode it into Bliss.
It is Still. It Waits.
I can feel the Silence. The Stillness. I can taste how even infinite possibility has not yet been born here. There is Nothing. Voided Space.
And yet, my Being and Becoming in these preceding years that felt like eternity in their moments of anguish and despair, and in their moments of heartbreaking soul shattering ecstatic blissful Glory, this Cosmic Spiraling Dance has shown me again and again that from this Nothing, All Will be Born. All I have to do is breathe...and rest within the understanding of what I am, who I am.
The true nature of my Being.
I Am the Cosmic Pulse.
Life Giving Force.
image: artist unknown